(OK, they're not films, they're just entryettes, but I thought calling them short films made them sound artistic and serious.)

Paranoia, It Can Really Annoy Ya

First of all, I highly recommend you hightail your mouse right over to Lindsionary if any of the following apply to you:

a) You are not getting your fill of panicky bar exam studying from me.

b) You want to read some pretty funny -- and accurate -- takes on law school (see especially this post and this post).

c) You appreciate good writing and laughing out loud.

Lindsay, the proprietor of Lindsionary, recently left me a comment that I'm going insane. I'm not sure if I'm to that stage yet, but I do think I'm getting paranoid.

So, the other day, I was returning from a break in BarBri, and I see Professor Davis at the elevator. Now, I've never had a class with Professor Davis; don't know the man at all. Anyway, he's holding a Twinkie and a pack of Big Red gum in his hands, which one could infer was purchased from the vending machines. "Do you like Big Red gum?" he asked me. Well, as a matter of fact, I do, and apparently he doesn't, so he handed me the packet of Big Red gum, gratis.

No earthly reason for me to distrust this pack of gum. Professor Davis is, so far as I know, a perfectly nice guy who gives packs of Big Red gum to people he's seen around the law school but doesn't know with no earthly motives. The pack was sealed.

And yet, every time I put a stick in my mouth, I think, "This might be it. Perhaps They Who Wish Me Failure in the Bar Exam have employed Professor Davis as their conduit, and Big Red gum as their modus operandi for doing me in. It could kill me instantly. Worse yet, right as I start to answer the first question on the bar, having studied for it all summer and lost my last summer. Or even worse yet, at the end of the bar. Or even worse, just before I find out whether I passed, thus leaving me with an eternity of never knowing."

Then I think, "Wow. It's only June 15. I'll be a hell of a lot of fun by the Fourth."

Memos to Santa Maria

MEMO

To: The Jury
From: Michael
Subject: C'Mon!

Now, really.

He's 46 years old, sleeping with kids in his bed.

Did you notice that all the previous victims that came in under the prior bad acts evidence looked the same?

Did you ever stop to think that he might select his prey for vulnerable people? That, when he realized the mother was a whackjob, he decided this would be a good one to molest?

I tell you, your decision today was no Thriller. You should have told him to Beat It, because he was Bad. He's even Dangerous.

On the other hand, it's not like it was a slam dunk. It was a tougher case. Prosecutors don't get their witnesses from central casting, and witnesses change their stories when they get on the stand. So, I at least understand where you came from.

But still.

C'mon.

MEMO

To: Michael
From: Michael
Subject: Where to begin?!?!

OK, you dodged a bullet today. A big bullet. Right now, you coulda been having a sleepover of your own at the Santa Monica County Jail, and I don't think you'd have enjoyed that.

But dude. You gotta make some changes. Your Creep Factor is out of the stratosphere.

Knock off the sleeping with little boys. In fact, knock off having them in your bed altogether. In fact, knock off having little boys around you at all. Ever. Because all we're going to do is look at you and go, "Ewwwww."

No, I know you think it's sweet. And innocent. And childlike.

Dude. It's not.

Don't get a girlfriend if you don't want one -- no one would believe it even if you did (although somehow, I think you and Paris Hilton might be a match made in heaven.) Be a confirmed odd bachelor.

STOP HANGING OUT WITH LITTLE BOYS.

We'd really appreciate it.

Oh, and if you manage to go broke while owning the publishing rights to all the Beatles' songs, you will go down in history as one of the stupidest businessmen in history.

Dude.

MEMO

To: Activists Who Claim The System is Biased
From: Michael
Subject: Please Note...

...there was a lot of bellyaching about the fact there were no blacks on the jury. I should hope this verdict will go a little ways towards establishing it doesn't matter if you're black or white.

Of course, some pointed out the defendant was white, too.

Errata

I went home this weekend (more about that tomorrow, most likely); anyway, I managed to leave my handouts book here in Sylvania, and by the time I was out of my 7 AM meeting today, it was either get to class on time and without the book or late and with the book. Since I had my computer, I just took notes.

I did some contracts answers and some ConLaw answers today. I didn't know how I'd come out on the ConLaw answers because I felt very un-confident and didn't think I'd do as well as I did last time when I did fifty questions (29/50.) I shouldn't have worried; I got 32 out of 50.

Joyous. It appears a nest of some sort of bugs has perched itself above my window in my living room, thus cutting off the possibility of egress to my porch. This is not quite as upsetting as it might otherwise have been, insofar as I can't go outside or even have the window open yet without completely flaring up my allergies.

All for now.