Laura had me try this the other night on the phone, then I saw it in meme form in TSC Girl's blog, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Type "[your name] needs" (with quotes) into Google, and see what you get.

1. "Michael needs a bit more flesh." -- Are they saying I'm too skinny? But, truly, I have put on some weight in the past few months. Or is this in some sort of referring to needing something else?

2a. "Michael needs dependable adults in his life who will help him learn how to navigate peer relationships," -- Hmmm. Maybe then I wouldn't attack congresspeople on the floor...of the democratic...national convention.

2b. "champion him when it's merited," -- what about when its frivolous? Like when I'm screaming about the fact I don't make $300 grand a year? I could still use a champion then!

2c. "and act as his advocates with the school system so that he gets the services and specialized instruction that he needs." -- I'd ordinarily point out that I am out of school, but since I'm on a school board, what sort of services am I supposed to get? A G2 pen in front of my name tag at every meeting, in case I forget mine? A makeup artist before they take our picture? Really, we're trying to pass a levy here, so I'm not sure that Michael needs any sort of extravagant-looking services...

3. "Michael needs some Juice." I do have a proclivity to grapefruit juice in the morning. I don't know why; best argument I can make is that it helps me with my scowl.

4. "Michael Needs. Conservative" -- WRONG

5. "Michael needs open lines of communication." Yes, so long as it doesn't involve hand-holding and Kum-Buh-Yah singing.

6. "Michael needs some Juice." I'm starting to wonder if my car will start.

7. "Michael needs Mum." I really have not had a problem with my parenting structure, but thanks for asking.

8. "Michael needs to feel safe and secure in order to ask for assistance." Hey, it's a decent goal.

9. "Michael needs a loving single or two parent family who will accept Michael." No, Michael HAS a loving two parent family who has already accepted Michael. He doesn't need to go throug the process again.

10. "Michael's needs a win." If by 'win,' you mean 'pass,' yes, Michael definitely needs a win.

11. "Michael needs to focus on new trends and how the music industry has changed." What, they're no longer hiring singers who are off key and dancers who, well, can't dance?

12. "Michael needs a family that is consistent with their expectations." Google needs to learn that my family is OK. Google thinks it's a guardian ad litem.

13. "Michael needs photographs of both sides of the animal." I have no idea what is gong on here, but no, I don't.

I'll end with this one, it's a twofer...and it's priceless..

"Michael needs to learn that for every man there is a condom." Ooooookkaayyyyyy....

"What Michael needs to do is to go shopping, and find a condom that fits him." No comment. Absolutely, positively, no freaking comment.

Well, while this has been fun, I have decided Google should not be conducting any needs assessments anytime in the future; so I'll be on my way now. I get to go door-to-door in the rain today trying to encourage people to raise their taxes. FUN!

Michael needs something else to do on Saturdays.