Is it REALLY a good idea to ask people who have been studying for the bar since mid-May about "mental state?"

'Cause, mine ain't all that good.

I was rummaging through the Toledo City Paper and I saw an ad in the paper: CHANGE YOUR LIFE. BARTEND.

My first thought was, that if bartending is going to be a positive change in your life, you need to change some other part of your life.

My second thought was, hey, it would get me out of studying for this.

Now, here's the disturbing thing. My third thought took twelve to eighteen hours and me seeing the ad several times.

I find this disturbing because, under normal circumstances, I would immediately pick up on it, and my rapier-like wit would descend to create a pun of terrible proportions.

And yet, after reading it yesterday around 6, it wasn't until today around noon when I noted that, if I went to bartending school, I'd be studying for the bar, which, right now I'm studying for the bar.

Yeah, it loses all its dramatic effect and hilarity (which, I admit, wasn't t much to begin with) when it's phrased like that. BUT THAT'S HOW I'M THINKING RIGHT NOW!!!!

(Puns generally also are not all that hilarious when first birthed, and if it takes you eighteen hours to get them, well, they don't age well.)

Immediately after Thought 3 came Thought 4, which was, "Golly, it would sure suck if a person thought they were taking the bar exam to become a lawyer, but were instead taking the bar exam to bartend. It would really suck if you went through this hell and then found you were taking the bartend exam."

Then, Thought #5: "And if that were going to happen to anyone, it would be me. Oh, God, it would be me. Holy moly, I hope I registered for the right bar exam. I could probably do a whiskey and water -- that sounds fairly simple -- but a martini is beyond my comprehension. I don't even know how to make a martini. I'd never get to the shaken, not stirred part. James Bond would scoff at me, with his stiff upper lip and such. And when do you put the olive in? WHEN DO YOU PUT THE OLIVE IN? Dammit, I'd suck as a bartender. People would be coming in and I'd not put an olive in their drink when they wanted one or I would when they didn't, and as a result, they'd be forever stiffing me on tips."

Thought 6: "Wait, wait, there's got to be a way to figure out when to put the olive in. Let's see. I can devise a hypo for this. A man walks into a bar and says, 'Hi, my name's Oliver. Please pour me a martini.' Oliver is wearing an olive-green suit, and eyes the olive jar sitting behind you lustfully. From this, you are on constructive notice that Oliver wants an olive in his martini."

Thought the Seventh: "But the problem is, I've been having trouble with the judgment calls on PMBR. I understand the rule, but when they think something's unreasonable, I think it's reasonable. So, what if I knew the rule, but applied it incorrectly, and gave Oliver an olive when no olive was desired? What would he have to do to oliviate this mess? Would he sue in equity or for damages? Could he get an order for specific performance to remove the olive? I guess it depends on how much of the martini he consumed. If he'd only taken one sip, perhaps not; he might just be testing it. But if he drank half of his martini, and only THEN sued me for olive his problems, shaZAM! I'd get his sorry barfly butt thrown out of court on laches. Just trying to get a free drink. You MOOCH, Oliver. There's a word for people like you: FREELOADER. You should be hunted down and beaten up."

Thought the Eighth: "I hope Oliver didn't hear that, otherwise I might have committed an assault, in which I placed him in reasonable apprehension of imminent bodily harm.

Thought the Ninth: "Oliver didn't hear that, you dingbat. He's a figment of your imagination."

Thought the Tenth: "So, if I died and left a gift where Oliver's life was the measuring life, it wouldn't work, because he's clearly not a life in being."

Thought #11: "Michael, you're gone. Far gone."

Thought XII: "This lasts much longer, you'll have to start drinking."

Thought #13: "I had a damn Labatt's the other night with Anonymous."

Thought 14: "No, we mean hard stuff. Like martinis."

Thought #15: "But I wonder if I'd want an olive in it. Oh, crap, not this again."